Recently it seems that I have had an overabundance of time on my hands to do some serious thinking about things, to do some soul searching and to be somewhat retrospective.
I know...I really need to find a hobby to keep myself and my mind busier. Unfortunately that has become one of my problems. My mind has had plenty to be busy with as of lately. Maybe more than what would be socially acceptable health wise.
I have been going to a Chiropractor for a couple of weeks now. Had maybe 4 visits in total.
During one of my earlier visits with him, I provided him a copy of the MRI and results that I had done last October. I also reviewed with him everything that had occurred with my family doctor and the 2 Urologists that I had visited, along my interactions with the local Oncologist that I ended up quiting to see in lieu of going back to my original Oncologist in Norfolk, VA.
My Chiropractor had been doing some very basic manipulations on me because of my other health issues.
He took it upon himself to contact a local radiologist so that they could discuss my medical history and maybe get a different viewpoint and opinion on my MRI.
Yesterday my Chiropractor told me that this Radiologist could not rule anything out, bone cancer, prostate cancer or metastatic disease.
I have been hearing these words an awful lot lately. Because it is not known exactly what I have at this second, my Chiropractor decided that it would be best for him not to see me until after I had been completely diagnosed. He did not want to take any chances on doing some serious manipulations and increasing blood flow especially when that might aid whatever is going on in my body to possibly spread.
So I left his office feeling once again like I had been punched in the stomach.
It seems like I am on this roller coaster that keeps going up and down. One day I am told one thing and feel there is light at the end of the tunnel and another day that light gets snuffed out or I feel that I am getting mentally and emtionally beat down with the latest round of bad news.
I think that it is important for me to know and have a name attached to whatever it is that is causing me these medical issues.
It is hard to fight a battle with an unknown entity. Just give it a name so that I can deal with it head on.
Because of the way that I have been feeling, I made an earlier appointment with my old Oncologist.
I had an appointment scheduled for 5/26...which is also the day of the Jimmy Buffett concert but now I also have an appointment to see him this upcoming Friday.
I felt that it was in my best interest to see my Oncologist as soon as possible in order that I can get done whatever additional tests that will be in store for me, so that I will know once and for all what I have.
Right now I feel like I am in a medical no mans land, a type of limbo land and it is not a healthy place for me to be in mentally, physically or emotionally.
In the past, when I have been told that I might have this or I might have that, I have always said that there is no way that I have whatever it was because I feel fine. This time around I can't honestly say that because I know that something is not right.
I just don't know right now what it is nor how bad it is or what will be needed to fix it. I want to get to that point as soon as possible though.
I want a plan...I want a future...I want to live.
I refuse to bathe in the warm pond of self pity or to feel a victim to whatever I have or that I somehow got a raw deal in life.
I have no room in my life for those types of feelings nor would I want anyone else to have them towards me.
I have got to the point in my life where I am with someone that I truly love dearly and someone that I want to share many more adventures with.
The last 13-14 years have been some of the most challenging in my life but also some of the most rewarding, loving and enriching that I have ever experienced up to this point in time.
Veronica and I have just started to travel to places that years ago, we would have never thought possible no matter how old we got. We have only scratched the surface of travels and experiences that we want to share with each other.
It seems that the more questionable or bad news that I get on my health, the more I walk and workout.
I have come to the conclusion that I am trying to out walk and out work Death. The faster that I walk or the farther that I walk, the more distance I put between myself and Mr. D
I am always trying to keep 10 steps ahead of him and when I get some possibly bad news, I feel like I am taking a step backwards or that if I don't have my head right, I am relinquishing a little more ground to Mr. D and that I somehow allow him to get a little closer and thus making it easier for me to be in his grasp.
Personally I think that at some point in our lives we all try to cheat Mr. D just a little bit. We all do things to prolong our lives but the reality is that Mr. D always wins....Always!!! The best we can hope for is to trick him, out walk him, out will him or anything else possible to delay his inevitable visit.
I have even talked to Veronica about what my desires are once Mr D wins..I want to be cremated. I want Veronica to keep a portion of my remains and I want her to scatter some of me on Eagle Lake in Canada and the rest of my ashes to be spread at another very special place for me...Warnemunde Germany.
I know that all of this might come across as me being obsessed with death or rather macabre or morbid. I live in my own world of reality and for me, death is a reality that I must face at some point in time. I would rather try to face on my own terms it as much as possible.
But until that day comes that I finally lose that race, I will continue to keep out walking, out running, out willing Mr D and I will continue to keep him 10 steps behind me....even if my lead is only a temporary one.